Beyond Naughty: Meeting a child's needs through play based coaching

I remember his face. Such disappointment. A look of utter shame and dismay. He was only six years old and his mother had just publicly disciplined him. It was his birthday party and he didn't want to share his toys. The reason being that on his previous birthday, he had shared and his toys had been broken. He had gotten into trouble with his mother and he remembered. 

Yet here he was once again in trouble. For trying to avoid the pain of broken toys but most of all trying to avoid the wrath of his authoritative mother. He simply couldn't get it right. This was not my client but I was witness to this exchange that tweaked at my heart. Making me realise that parents so often fall into patterns of discipline based on outdated beliefs gained from their own childhoods.

This leads me to the question Is there such a thing as a naughty child?

If parents are unable to meet a child's needs and ensure they can express themselves safely in an environment primed with love and not fear...then how can we as coaches offer support? 

Firstly we need to reframe our expectations. Every parent is good enough but not all parenting styles and techniques are equal. Cruel parents often had cruel parents. Permissive parents often had permissive parents. Harsh parents often had harsh parents. You see where I am going with this. 

Now because I am a Secret Parent and have never had biological children of my own, it is easy for me to say that there is no such thing as a naughty child. Parents will beg to differ. Yet I can't help but wonder if my needs based theory is accurate. Here is a list of what a child may need and as a play based coach it is your role to try and support families to figure out which it is. 

Food and drink: Enough food, regular meals, healthy snacks, water, and mealtimes eaten together. 

Sleep and rest: Enough sleep for their age, regular breaks, quiet tech free downtime, and destress activities. 

Physical comfort: Comfortable clothing, a suitable temperature, toileting, cleanliness, and personal space.

Health and care: Relief from pain, care when unwell, and support for ongoing health needs

Movement: Opportunities to move, stretch, run, climb, and release physical energy.

Sensory comfort: Manageable levels of noise, light, touch, smells, and crowds; access to quiet or sensory stimulation as needed.

Physical safety: Protection from harm, threats, bullying, and unsafe surroundings.

Emotional safety: Being able to express feelings, ask for help, and make mistakes without humiliation or rejection.

Predictability: Reliable routines, preparation for changes, clear expectations, and consistent boundaries.

Connection: Warmth, affection in ways they welcome, shared attention, and time with trusted people.

Belonging: Inclusion, friendship, acceptance, and feeling valued within a family or group.

Attention and responsiveness: Being noticed, listened to, and responded to.

Understanding: Adults taking their feelings, perspective, and difficulties seriously.

Support with feelings: Comfort when distressed, help calming down, and support with fear, anger, disappointment, or grief.

Communication: A workable way to express needs, enough processing time, and instructions they can understand.

Autonomy: Age-appropriate choices, independence, and some influence over what happens to them.

Respect and dignity: Fair treatment, privacy, respect for bodily boundaries, and correction without shame. 

Competence:Tasks matched to their abilities, achievable challenges, encouragement, and opportunities to succeed.

Learning support:Clear explanations, demonstrations, practice, patience, and adjustments for individual needs.

Play: Time and space for enjoyment, imagination, humour, exploration, and child-led activity.

Stimulation and curiosityInteresting activities, variety, discovery, and appropriate challenge.

Space and recovery: Time alone when wanted, fewer demands when overwhelmed, and opportunities to recover after difficult experiences.

Identity and acceptance: Freedom to be themselves, respect for their background and differences, and freedom from unfair comparisons.

Contribution and purpose: Meaningful involvement, opportunities to help, and a sense that their contribution matters.

Repair and reconnection: Help putting things right after conflict, reassurance that relationships can recover, and a chance to try again.

No matter the need, children will behave badly if it is unmet. This is how children develop, grow and learn. Yet thinking back to the little boy on his birthday, I can't help but wonder what kind of damage has been done by his mother. The Secret whispered out loud is this..we will never know.

Yet when writing my new book Secrets whispered out loud, the research was clear. Your childhood memories shape the way you live, love, learn and lead. This can be either positive or negative. I anticipate that in the case of this young boy, he will turn into a giver. A people pleaser but most of all fearful to express his true nature.  

My Play Based Coaching System is able to change this. Expressing true nature is not about fixing or solving, but about accepting that no childhood will ever be 100% perfect. Yet every child needs to play and with play as a form of self expression, how they show up speaks volumes. 

So is there such a thing as a naughty child? Yes. If they have an unmet need. Can this need be met? Yes. The general blanket rule that is the best kept secret is YOU! With hope, routine, stability and support you can implement connection over correction and even children like this six year old will feel empowered to find their voice.