How to support "dumb" parents as a Kids Life Coach

I believe it’s because some parents are selfish!! There I’ve said it! Some parents choose to remain wrapped up in their own mess and drama they have created and I see how this impacts on their children!

They hang onto their personal “baggage” that they have accumulated like they are treasures. Using their hurts, disappointments, mistakes and setbacks to define their future choices. Worst of all using them as excuses for their bad behaviour or further failures. Many see themselves as victims and as a coach I hear them retell their stories over and over as if a badge of honour!

 

So sometimes, the childless me steps into judgment mode...only for a brief little moment where I ask myself "is this parent for real?" So the other day when a Kids Life Coach - luckily not somebody who has trained in our Kids Life Coach Certification - told me "parents can be so dumb." I understood what she was trying to say, but I also knew that she didn't understand the science behind what she was saying. 

 

I understand the science as a Doctoral candidate in Psychiatry and with my extensive experience as a former school teacher and with a  Masters Degree in Clinical Child Psychology. I know the science behind why some parents get swept up in their own drama and choose to hold onto things.

 

These adults were once children too and inevitably something traumatic happened to them either as a child growing up or they faced trauma as an adult. This trauma hardwired their brain’s emotion networks to make them overreact or under-react to stressful situations.

 

Trauma sometimes takes parents as prisoners and can even create prisoners out of them. Trauma freeze frames parents into their past and until they choose to actively process and work through their baggage by unpacking their suitcases and getting rid of what they no longer need. They will remain carrying their heavy burdens and probably end up getting very tired.

 

Big T trauma (the type that is huge and devastating like becoming paralysed in a vehicle accident or losing your home in a natural disaster) creates fixed neural networks that are isolated from other parts of the brain and very resistant to change. Here’s the thing though sometimes Little T trauma (the type that happens due to amicable divorce or bullying or loss of a friend) also causes avoidance behaviours and when parents try to suppress their trauma it can create damage in their family and their children!

When parents don't deal with their own trauma, the cycle is perpetuated. And so….the baggage when it gets to heavy for the parent to carry is passed on to the children to help lighten the “family” load. This is what I sometimes see in my coaching practice when parents bring their children to me and ask me to 'fix them' or to 'make them behave' or to 'teach them manners.' 

 

You see, the science doesn’t lie. We cannot escape the damage unprocessed trauma creates. Usually it is the parent who blames their child for bad behaviour and doesn't take accountability for their own role in the creation of that behaviour that needs me most as a Kids Life Coach.

 

The fact is this…if you parents don't process their trauma they are inadvertently impacting on their whole family but sadly it is their children who feel it the most.

 

I believe all parents have the most important mission on the planet….to raise their children to walk as shining lights. To give them permission to put down their heavy suitcases and to love life. To Live life fully and seek abundance joy and happiness. But how can this happen when intergenerational trauma is still being passed down because “mom” or “dad” is in trauma freeze mode and in denial and still refusing to put in the work to change this.

Every single parent I have ever had the privilege of meeting in my coaching practice over the past two decades wants a happy child. There is not one I have met who deliberately inflicts harm on their children (those types usually sit in prison…if caught…because sadly they do exist! That’s the extreme side of unprocessed trauma…)

 

I think any parent, who makes the effort to work on their own life from the inside out to improve and process through their tough stuff…..is courageous and strong! These are the parents who choose what to hold onto and what needs to be put down and they ask for help! This shows great strength!

 

The families I have worked with understand the science of trauma because as a Play Based Coach I use a fun non invasive way to process trauma that means families don’t need to look back….We create a Brain Capital pathway for looking ahead and we generate a game plan for playing the game of life!! Life will always have setbacks and failures and hurts! Coaching helps to navigate this easily.

 

I have a toolkit based on research informed practice that works and that is now used in 45 countries by the Play Based Coach practitioners I have trained to use it. The one thing all of us do, is to leave our judgment at the door. When parents ask for help if their load is too heavy to carry on their own, we don't call them "dumb" or pass unsolicited judgement. We provide what we call the 4 U's...unconditional, unconventional, upbeat, upliftment. 

 

You see here are two facts I know. I will never be a biological parent but biological parents will sometimes not be parents. What this means is that if you find yourself judging a parent because you can see the selfish damage they are doing to their children by not taking accountability, that's okay. But here is one thing you can do instead. Ask yourself if I stop judging and I step into problem solving mode...how would the child I am coaching benefit?

 

Kids Life Coaching is not just about the child, it is about the whole family. This doesn't mean we coach parents, but what it means is that we coach the inner child that hasn't healed if they show up. Parents were once children too and if they are showing up as "dumb" maybe they need to play a little. Invite them into your coaching sessions with their child and let them engage in the play based activities as well. When you send activities home for the child, encourage the parent to do the activities alongside them. When parents fell judged, they retreat...when they feel accepted and supported they will always shine. Ask me, I know...I have been coaching for over two decades!

 

If you want to learn more, you can either attend one of my online trainings or if you are already an Kids Life Studio® Alumni Coach, come and join our global network in our ongoing weekly professional supervision sessions. The membership you invest in not only gets you a premium website listing and client data base storage but it gets you upgrading your professional skills and building your CPD points. If you don't do it for yourself, at least do it for the parents who need you to understand trauma and why they may sometimes show up as "dumb".

 

Have a happy coaching week!

 

Zelna

Kids Life Studio® Founder

 

 

Adapted from original words: Rebranding Childhood Global Strategist - Zelna Zeal